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* Jewel wakes in the pinkish half-light of early dawn. Her pillow is damp, her eyelids thick with tears shed in her sleep from the nightmare. She takes a slow, settling breath and glances at her sleeping husband before slipping out of bed to pad quietly to the washroom. * Jewel splashes water on her face and measures out her monthly dose with shaking hands. She stops with the cup halfway to her lips, catching sight of herself in the mirror. She stands there, frozen, and stares at her reflection while the sky outside lightens. * Angel opens one eye as the bed empties and rolls over into Jewel's warm spot, a faint, sleepy smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. After a moment, listening and gradually waking up some, he opens his eyes. "My lady?" * Jewel starts at the sound of his voice, and fresh tears slip down her cheeks. "Just-- just a moment." She looks at the full cup in her hand and starts to lift it to her lips, pausing again before it reaches them. With a sigh, she sets the full cup down and splashes her face with water again. She dries off and returns to the bedroom, carrying the cup. * Angel rolls over and sits up, the blankets pooling in his lap. He scrubs one hand over his face, his palm rasping against his cheek. "I need to shave," he mutters, then looks up as Jewel comes back into the sleeping area. "My lady, is something amiss?" <Jewel> I... ::she comes around and perches on her side of the bed, setting the cup on her nightstand with faintly trembling fingers:: I'm sorry, I know you said it was my decision, but... I can't do this. I don't know what to do. ::she holds her arms over her abdomen, huddling into herself:: <Angel> ::reaches out hesitantly and touches her back:: What... my lady, why does it trouble you so? <Jewel> ::her muscles are taut and stiff, under his hand:: I don't know. I... well, that's not true. I had a nightmare. <Jewel> ::quickly:: Just... a normal nightmare, I think. <Angel> ::pulls her backwards gently until she's all the way on the bed and puts his arms around her, kissing her shoulder:: What did you dream about? ::he starts to knead her shoulders, working out the knots:: * Jewel leans back gratefully into his touch. "You're... really not going to like this. But it was only a dream, really." She sounds as if she's trying to convince herself as much as him. <Angel> ::sternly:: Jewel... I cannot help you if you're hiding from me... ::he runs his fingers down her spine, finding a stubborn knot and working it out with his thumbs:: <Jewel> ::he feels the shift in tension under his fingers, the sudden stiffness in her neck and shoulders:: I'm not hiding. But I don't want to hurt you, with this, and I fear it *will* hurt.... ::she takes a shuddering breath:: I was pregnant. Only... when my time came, it went... very, very wrong. It was very hard, and I bled, and bled... and... the baby was alright, but the midwife couldn't stop the bleeding. I died. ::she rubs her arms:: <Jewel> And, after... you... you were mad with grief. You hated the child for taking me away from you, so you gave it to the Blessed Mother's temple, and then you... went to seek your own death. ::she presses back into his arms, shuddering:: * Angel pauses, swallows, then takes a few breaths. "It is... " He almost smiles, putting his arms around her and resting his cheek against her back. "You dream the damnedest things... I have no reassurances that I would *not* do such a thing. Although I should hope if the child... if *our* child were still living, I could find some hope in that." <Jewel> ::her tremors calm slowly in the warmth of his arms:: It wasn't like the ones before. This... this was just a dream. But it frightened me so... so much blood. Like Bie... ::she ducks her head:: I took a dose then, too. I can't-- I love you so much! I *want* to bear your children. So if... if anything happened to you, I would still have something of you. I had never considered that wanting it might take *me* from *you.* <Jewel>I *can't* leave you, Bastian, I won't! ::she turns in his arms, embracing him tightly:: <Angel> ::considers:: It really... ::stops briefly as she hugs all the air out of him:: My lady... ::he holds her, stroking her hair:: One of us must die first, you know. Eventually. <Jewel> I know. Eventually. And it's... you're strong, I'm strong, my bones are good, I'm told, whatever that means. It *happens*, women do die in childbed. But for me... well, they really can't know until the first, but for me, the risk appears to be slight. It's such a *silly* fear. And yet... it preys on me. I'm afraid I'm being ruled by my fears in this. ::pressing her face into his shoulder:: I'm such a coward. <Jewel> ::pulls in a breath:: And so I decide, and then I change my mind, and then I change my mind again. And, well... ::she nods to the cup on her nightstand:: It's so easy to just... put it off. But I'm sick of not deciding. <Angel> ::shakes his head:: I don't know that there is such a thing as a silly fear. We all have things that bother us. ::tips her chin up slightly:: If you wish to hear something silly, though, it might amuse you to know that I have a rather irrational dislike for dead bodies. You'd think, as an assassin, I'd... get used to it. But I don't. You just... move on with what you have to do. <Jewel> ::eyes widening:: And we got you out by... oh, dear. Oh my love... I'm so sorry. <Angel> ::laughs softly deep in his throat:: I am much happier to be out. It was not my desire to die in there. Not... not like that. ::kisses her temple:: <Jewel> Nor mine. ::she smiles and tips her head back to kiss his jaw, wrinkling her nose:: You're very scratchy this morning, love. ::she strokes his cheek playfully:: But... how do I move on from this? If it's irrational, how can I judge fairly, what I should do? I... I don't want to make this decision on my own. <Angel> I know. Sorry... ::he turns his head to kiss her fingers:: Perhaps it has been unfair of me, to not wish to burden you with my thoughts. You seemed to have such... conflicting feelings, I didn't want to make things worse for you. <Jewel> ::makes a face:: I think, at this point, that's not even possible. ::she cups his jaw, stroking his cheek with her thumb:: Your thoughts, your opinions in this, have equal weight with mine, love. If it's a burden, it's one I welcome gladly. ::smiling into his eyes:: After all, I can hardly do this without your *other*... input. <Angel> ::snorts:: Oh, that was very delicately put, my lady. ::shakes his head:: What... you said Bie's birthing bothered you. Why? It didn't seem that bad to me. For a birthing, that is. <Jewel> ::eyes troubled:: I think, oddly enough, that you have the benefit of greater experience in that quarter. That was only the third I'd seen, since my sister's birth, and one of my younger cousins. And I was small, then... ::she bites her lip:: I think... I should not have seen. There was so much *blood.* <Angel> ::thinks back:: Not especially... oh! You mean on the sheet. ::presses his lips together in a tight line:: Well, there I have much more experience than you... blood... oh, my lady, that wasn't much blood. Maybe as much as a glass filled. <Jewel> ::blinks:: But... it was *soaked*! So dark... <Angel> ::shakes his head:: Blood... spreads. And it often looks worse than it is. <Jewel> Oh. ::chastened:: So I really *was* being silly. ::sighs:: <Jewel> You asked me then if I was so sure I wanted to have a child... I didn't give you answer because, suddenly, I *wasn't* so sure... <Angel> ::the faintest smile twitches at the corner:: My apologies. I was... well, you can probably not imagine... childbirth looks uncomfortable enough to you, with the proper body to do it with. It looks an impossible task, to me. I was, in fact, attempting to tease you. <Jewel> ::smiles and squeezes him gently:: Silly man. I would almost say that for you, it *would* be an impossible task. Except you continue to surprise me, so instead I will merely call it highly unlikely. <Angel> ::shudders:: No. Let's just put that beyond all realms of speculation. There are certain Persons with whom I do not wish to make challenges. <Jewel> ::demurely:: As my lord wishes. In which case, the task remains with me. So... ::cocks her head:: what *are* your thoughts? <Angel> ::brushes her hair from her face:: Do you... Have you ever *not* told me something, for fear of what I might do with that information? I do not wish to... Catreenia, you are my life. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you, if you asked it of me. But let me be perfectly clear on this... what I wish in this matter is secondary to your own desires. I will not be having you do what I say, just to please me. Understand? <Jewel> ::nods:: I understand. ::smiles and tastes his lips:: And I submit, once again, that you are a rare and a fine man, Bastian Hooke. But *I* choose to take your wishes into consideration. And I cannot do that without knowing what they are. So... please? <Angel> ::enfolds her in his arms, coincidentally preventing her from looking at him while he talks:: I had never thought much of the idea of children until - do you remember it, my lady? When your young friend, Temire, said something to the effect. Before then, it was... only what *other* people did. <Jewel> ::smiles and nods against his chest:: You did look rather startled. I'd been expecting that, actually. I don't think it's something most men *do* think of. <Angel> If I had thoughts of children at all, it certainly wasn't of them as... well, as children. Nor babies. I made a jest, of what I expected from a son, but that was a child grown. An actual infant... a pregnancy... and of course, some woman to bear one... these were not things I spent time considering. <Jewel> ::nods again, comfortably:: I remember that, too. The son, I mean. <Angel> ::chuckles:: It is, of course, possible - even likely - that I am already in possession of a bastard or three that I know nothing about. But it is not the same... <Jewel> Aye. ::turning her head, snuggling against his chest:: I think the first time many men consider the possibility of a child is when they're presented with the risk of one by their sweetheart of a month past. <Angel> ::shrugs one shoulder:: It is, however, unlikely. If there were any children of my blood around, you would have been presented with them by now, claiming a share of my legacy from my widow. <Jewel> ::raises an amused eyebrow:: Which one of you? A Guildmember wouldn't presume upon Lord Hooke's fortune, would she? <Angel> ::hushes her:: None of this, I am sure, is what you wish to know. Forgive me, I'm attempting to collect my thoughts. I'm not so young as I once was to be straight away awake at first light. * Jewel says nothing, reaching around to stroke his bare back gently with one hand. <Angel> Which brings me to another thought... I'm nearing on forty years... while I certainly have time enough to father a child, I should like to be young enough still to *be* a father to one. If there were any time that I regret the difference in our ages, my lady, it is now. You have many years before you are at risk... forgive me for the selfishness of this, but I do not wish to be nearing fifty and holding a child for the first time. * Jewel nods. "I'm not so ready to put you out to pasture quite yet, my lord, but it isn't selfish, to my mind. It is a reasonable concern." <Angel> In one way, having a child is certainly a foolish thing to do... given the way we live. Forgetting that the possibility exists of either of us being killed on nearly a daily basis, there is the simple fact that a child is a liability. A target for our enemies. And yet, the same could be said for you. And here you are... <Jewel> ::smiles:: And here I remain. For... ::thinks a moment:: approaching four years, now. ::sounds faintly surprised:: <Angel> ::suddenly hoarse:: No length of time with you could ever be enough, my lady. ::he tightens his arms around her:: <Jewel> ::looking up:: I've wished more than once that certain moments with you might last forever. Indeed, they seem to, sometimes. ::her smile curves against his skin as she kisses the base of his neck softly:: <Angel> ::tilts his head back:: I'm almost positive that doing that is *not* the way to continue a rational discussion, my lady.... <Jewel> ::chastened:: Sorry, love. Well... ::slow grin:: no, I'm not. But I'll stop. For now. ::her eyes twinkle:: Pray, continue. <Angel> ::eyes her from under lowered eyelashes:: Evil woman... ::shrugs once, tracing idle patterns around her back with his fingertip:: Bearing in mind, then, my lady, that I should rather you happy and childless than otherwise, I believe I should *like* a child... <Angel> Practicality and reason be damned... It is you whom I love, and it is you with whom I wish to spend the rest of my life... fear of losing you could not keep me from your side. I will not let fear of another loss keep us from *living*, complete, as we ought to be. <Jewel> ::smiles, looking up at him:: So... truly? You want a child? <Angel> ::softly:: I do... ::leans back to look at her seriously:: But believe me on this, my lady, I will not forgive you if you do this for my sake. If it is not what you want, having *you* is enough. I would not have you resent me for forcing it on you. * Jewel regards him seriously and suddenly laughs, stretching her neck up to kiss his nose. "So, let me be clear... you wish me to have my way in this completely, and you would do anything I ask that is within your power... *except* to allow me to do the same for you." She grins at him. "I'm sorry, love, I'm teasing you. I *do* understand, really." <Jewel> ::touching his nose with her finger:: But *you* are likewise not to assume that, should I agree with you, I do so only to be agreeable. Understood? * Angel opens his mouth to protest, then shrugs. "I only... my lady, it has always been my intention to keep you first in my thoughts and not take your presence, the gift of *you*, for granted. I wish nothing but the truth between us. What you tell me, I will believe." <Jewel> Oh, Bastian... never, *ever,* have I felt that you take me for granted. With you, I feel like... like a cherished treasure, most carefully guarded and cared for. Even... ::she swallows, lowering her eyes as she blushes:: ...a little like a goddess. <Angel> ::kisses her forehead:: Better than. <Jewel> ::quickly:: Shhh. ::smiles:: There are certain Persons whom *I* have no wish to challenge, either. ::coloring deeply:: Well. Maybe only sometimes.... ::hurrying on:: But likewise... no matter what I am, *you* remain *my* lord, and the first in my heart. <Angel> ::more seriously:: It may, however, be a moot point. Dusk... ::his voice tightens slightly:: might have damaged you. <Jewel> ::slowly:: It... is possible. I've certainly considered it. Although... my courses seem normal enough. And-- I think, if nothing else, he was always very careful. <Angel> ::clenches his jaw:: Very careful... to ensure that there was no challenge to Dawn's rise. Very careful, to cover his tracks. Careful of your life, or your welfare? No, my lady, you'll not convince me of that. <Jewel> I *trusted* him. Mistakenly, yes, but it means that there was far, far worse he might have done, and I should have never suspected. He could have done me far more ill and made it look like an accident, I'm sure-- the one point on which I have no doubt is the depth of his skill. <Angel> ::shudders:: Don't... let's not speculate on what could have been. ::sighs:: Although, She might have said something about it, if you couldn't. ::rolls his eyes:: <Jewel> ::wryly:: True. Perhaps that's why She was so eager to acquire your... services, last time She had to save your life. ::kisses him:: You really must outgrow that habit, love. <Angel> ::makes a face:: I think She was teasing you... or me. Certainly, She *wants* me to breed - makes me sound like prize cattle, doesn't it? - but She's already got a Consort. And I don't think I'm a match for *him*. <Jewel> ::grins:: *That* is purely *your* opinion. Were she considering expanding her options, I certainly couldn't fault her taste. <Angel> ::gives her a dubious look:: Have you *seen* her Consort? Xarroch could tear me apart with one hand, while half-asleep. No, that's quite all right. I don't think I'm man enough to lay with a goddess, even if I *wanted* to. <Jewel> ::warmly, twining her arms around his neck:: *I* do. ::kisses him again:: But I'm grateful you choose not to. * Jewel studies his face for a minute, her fingers idly stroking the back of his neck. "Hm. Excuse me for a moment, love." * Angel nods wordlessly, a trace of color highlighting his jaw and neck. He leans back a bit to watch her. * Jewel releases him and slides back until her foot finds the edge of the bed. She slips off and picks up the cup from her nightstand, carrying it into the washroom with her. There's a faint splashing of water, and she returns after a few minutes with a freshly scrubbed mouth and face, and slips back into bed. <Jewel> There. ::twining her arms around his neck again and kissing him lightly:: <Angel> ::raises an eyebrow:: There? * Jewel smiles faintly and nods, her face revealing nothing. "That's what I said." <Angel> ::eyes her narrowly:: Planning to clue me in, my lady? <Jewel> ::regarding him:: I want you to make me one more promise. <Angel> Tell me... <Jewel> Promise me... that you won't let the midwife kick you out. ::she catches her lower lip between her teeth as it trembles faintly, and her eyes are suspiciously bright:: Promise me you'll hold my hand and not let go. <Angel> ::gently:: I won't leave you. ::looks at her and wipes her cheek with his thumb, as if to catch tears she hasn't yet shed:: Talk with Lady Talarin... I'd feel better if she... ahem... had a look at you. And she'll probably know a good midwife. <Jewel> ::nods and sniffs a little:: I will. ::holding him close:: Thank you. All along, I was thinking I had to do this alone, and I was afraid. But... there's nothing that says I have to. And with you, I'm never afraid. <Angel> ::almost angrily:: My lady... I would *never* put you through anything like this *alone*. <Jewel> ::meekly:: Bie kicked Dawn out. And Papa never attended, the midwife shooed him out first thing. <Angel> ::makes a face:: Well, yes, she did. And if I act like a blithering idiot, I expect you will not want me around either. But unless you say, my lady, I'll not leave you if I have to deliver the child myself. ::faintly green:: Although, I'd rather not, so let's make sure the *midwife* is comfortable with that, shall we? <Jewel> ::smiles:: Of course. ::kisses him lightly:: And if *you* act like a blithering idiot, love, I expect I'll keep you around anyway out of the sheer novelty of it. <Angel> ::sourly:: You're dreadfully amusing. Really. Gods, woman... <Jewel> ::smiles winningly and strikes an antic pose:: I live to amuse my lord. <Angel> ::raises an eyebrow:: Oh *do* you, now? <Jewel> Of course. ::archly:: Why, is there another reason you keep me around? <Angel> ::pulls her closer and kisses her breathless:: I can think of a few... <Jewel> ::gasping:: Tell me more... |
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