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* Tarri is sitting in the Bluestar's nursery, humming softly as she carefully mends some clothing. Corrigan is in his cradle, occasionally making quiet noises as he drifts off to sleep. * Vallel approaches the Manor Bluestar, a small paper-wrapped package under one arm. He looks up, frowns, then knocks lightly on the servant's entrance door. <Tarri> ::A servant - an older elven woman - opens the door.:: "Yes?" <Vallel> I'm here to see Miss Mandiel, please. <Tarri> ::The servant gives him the once-over, then shows him to a small parlor.:: "Wait here. I'll see if she's available. Shall I tell her who is calling?" <Vallel> ::nods, looking around the parlor:: I'm Vallel duNache <Tarri> ::The servant nods once and leaves. A few minutes later, Tarri comes in. She smiles shyly when she sees him.:: Val! <Vallel> Hi... ::looks at the floor sort of nervously:: Do you have some time to talk? <Tarri> ::looks a little surprised, then nods:: Corri just fell asleep. Do you mind coming back to the nursery with me? I don't like to leave him alone for long. <Vallel> ::nods:: I like babies... I miss some of my nieces and nephews... <Tarri> ::leads the way out of the parlor and down the hall:: Corri's a sweet baby. But so *tiny*! ::she looks at him curiously:: Will you and Glossaria have many, do you think? * Vallel shrugs. "I'm not sure. I've been told by someone who was seeing into the future that we'll have a son, at least. * Vallel grins somewhat goofily. <Tarri> ::smiles as she opens the door to the nursery:: Well, that's a start! ::she winks at him before she steps over to the cradle to check on Corri:: * Vallel peers at the baby for a minute. "Oh, here, I almost forgot... " He hands her the package. <Tarri> ::takes the package and looks down at it:: What's this? <Vallel> A present... sort of a "welcome to the neighborhood, sorry I was an idiot to you at home, glad to be friends sort of thing." ::he grins:: You can ask Gloss... I frequently buy things for people when I have no idea how to say what I want to say. <Tarri> ::she giggles a little, blushing:: You didn't have to, Val. I'm just glad we got the chance to start again as friends. <Vallel> Of course I didn't have to... that's what makes it so much fun... ::shrugs:: I'm still spending the money I earned from a fireworks show I did a few months back. ::his face darkens, remembering:: * Tarri opens the package carefully. "Oh!" She carefully lifts the two books free from the paper. "For my own? Really?" Overcome with excitement, she throws her arms around Vallel in a quick hug. "Thank you!" <Vallel> ::grins at her enthusiasm:: At the moment, you're easy to buy things for. I know you don't have many books of your own <Tarri> Two, now! ::she looks down at the books proudly:: This is wonderful. I've been wishing I could read while Corri is asleep - it seems like such wasted time otherwise! But all the Bluestar's books are in elven. ::she smiles shyly again:: This is really sweet of you, Val. * Vallel grins. <Vallel> I should buy things for you more often... it's good for my ego. I was beginning to feel quite awful, to tell you the truth. <Tarri> ::looks at him in surprise:: Whyever for? Wait - let me put these away... ::she gestures at the chairs in the room:: Sit down, I'll just be a moment... * Vallel picks a comfortable looking chair and lounges in it, cocking his leg over the arm of the chair. * Tarri ducks behind a curtain at the far end of the room, behind which Val catches a glimpse of a small, neatly-kept room. She re-emerges after a few seconds and comes to sit near him. "Now. What's the matter?" <Vallel> Nothing too serious, really... I just seem to be annoying one of my friends, and I'm not really sure I understand why. <Tarri> ::cocks her head, studying him:: It's not Sanriel, is it? <Vallel> Oh, not at all... Have you met Meghan Lore? <Tarri> ::frowns slightly:: Meghan... I'm not sure. If I have, it was so brief, I've forgotten already. ::she smiles lightly:: You know what a scatterbrain I can be. <Vallel> ::snorts:: Oh, right... give me a break, sweetheart, I remember from home. You are one of the smartest people I've ever met. <Tarri> ::laughs:: Well, that's sweet of you, but some days I'm not sure I can remember my *own* name... So tell me about this Meghan. <Vallel> Well, where to start? It's such a long story... I'll try and sum up... <Vallel> Meghan's a girl who came to the Hall several months ago. When she first got here, she was allergic to magic, so Aunt Nacheyla had her move into the cottage, where I lived, because there wasn't much magic stuff there... * Tarri leans on the arm of her chair, watching Val seriously as he talks. <Vallel> Anyway, we got to be pretty good friends, spending a lot of time together and all... and then some wizard kidnapped her. A friend of ours, Xarroch, rescued her, but she was having a lot of problems getting over being kidnapped. ::he sighs:: She was... well, abused, while she was his prisoner. <Tarri> ::pales slightly:: Oh, the poor girl! <Vallel> ::takes a deep breath:: Xarroch's not human, so he wasn't having much success in helping her get better, so he came to get me... and I did the best I could to help her to feel better... ::shrugs:: Maybe I did too good a job. Somewhere in there, both of us started thinking things that weren't entirely proper, given that I was already betrothed. <Tarri> ::frowns slightly in confusion:: Does that mean what I think it does, Val? * Vallel stares at the floor, his face turning a dull, brick red. <Vallel> Yes... it was hard not to... not to care about her. She was so... sad. * Tarri reaches out and touches his arm. "It's all right, Val. I'm sorry... Keep going." <Vallel> And, ::somewhat defensively:: I found out later there was a rogue psionic at the school, Charoli... and she was... ::looks embarrassed:: gods, it sounds so arrogant to say it, but... she was in love with me, or as close to love as she could get. And she was furious about Glossaria... <Vallel> She, Charoli, that is, started implanting ideas... she used her abilities to make people think and feel things they wouldn't normally feel. I can't say that what I felt and wanted from Meghan was entirely Charoli, but I do know that she encouraged the idea of infidelity to Gloss. <Tarri> ::covers her mouth with her hands:: Oh, Vallel, how terrible... ::she looks at him with horror and whispers:: What did she do to you? <Vallel> ::turns pale:: I don't want to talk about that, really... I can't... not just yet... <Vallel> What I want to talk about is Meghan... she wasn't influenced by Charoli, and she returned the feelings that Charoli was encouraging in me. She still does. Tarri... I don't want to hurt her, and I keep doing it. She still loves me. * Tarri moves from her chair to kneel in front of Vallel. She takes his hands in hers. "Val... Whatever this girl... Charoli? Whatever she did to you... You're not through it yet, are you?" Tears brighten her eyes. "How could someone *do*..." She shakes her head. "Meghan. You want to talk about Meghan." <Tarri> So... You're upset because she loves you, and you don't love her? ::she smiles:: You're so sweet, Val. So many men - or even women - wouldn't even bother caring. <Vallel> I'm not sweet... I'm not at all sweet. I... I just don't want her to be hurt, not after everything she's been through. <Tarri> ::looks at him seriously:: If she really loves you, and you really don't love her... It's going to hurt. All you can do for her is to make it as easy as possible. ::she looks down, and then back up:: Life isn't fair, dearheart. Good people get hurt sometimes. <Vallel> I... I feel... damn it, I'm tired of hurting people. <Tarri> ::frowns up at Val, concerned:: Who have you hurt? <Vallel> What, you mean aside from you? <Tarri> ::blinks a little at his vehemence:: You didn't do that deliberately, Val. <Vallel> ::starts ticking off on his fingers:: You, Elesia, Glossaria, Meghan... <Tarri> ::reaches out and takes Val's hand:: How many of these have you hurt *deliberately*, Vallel? When have you woken up in the morning and said to yourself, "Today, I will cause pain."? <Vallel> ::blinks:: No one... I... it doesn't make it any less my responsibility. <Tarri> ::shakes her head:: There is a limit to what you can accept responsibility for, Val. ::she sits back on her heels, almost frustrated:: What happened between us...? Your responsibility was... ::she blushes a little:: ...was to apologize for the accident. Which you tried to do, except I wouldn't see you. * Vallel buries his face in his hands. "I don't know what to do anymore, Tarri, I really don't... I can't live with myself... every time I close my eyes, I see her, crying because of me... " <Tarri> ::puts her hands on his shoulders:: Vallel... There's got to be something you're not telling me. This is... too much. Why accept guilt for feelings you don't have? <Vallel> ::very small voice:: I told her I did... I even thought I meant it, for a while... <Tarri> Because of this... rogue? Charoli? * Vallel nods, looking glum. <Tarri> Does she know? About what Charoli was doing to you? <Vallel> I... ::blinks:: I think so... Mistress Zoya told her. <Tarri> ::looks him straight in the eye:: So she knows you don't really love her? <Vallel> Yeah, I think so... * Tarri hesitates a moment, then puts her hand under his chin so he can't look away. "Then tell me, Val, what responsibility remains?" <Vallel> I don't know... I just... <Tarri> ::shakes her head:: I hope you didn't feel this guilty over me. <Vallel> ::laughs, a little bitterly:: Some... <Tarri> ::sighs:: You're too nice for your own good, Vallel. <Vallel> ::sighs:: I don't feel very nice... I feel like pond scum. <Tarri> ::firmly:: You are not pond scum. Tomas Tailor is pond scum. *You* are trapped in a bad situation. <Vallel> ::blinks:: What'd Tommy-tail do that made you have that tone of voice? * Tarri pales, then blushes. "Never mind. I just... you're a *good* person, Val. You're not hurting because you're bad. You're hurting because you can't find a way to make everyone happy - is that how a bad person would feel?" <Vallel> ::shrugs:: I don't know... I only know how I feel. <Tarri> I know. And nothing I say - nothing *anyone* says - is going to be able to change that for you. <Vallel> I guess... I don't know... I just want to make things better <Tarri> ::nods:: Of course you do. But some things just can't be fixed. Not quickly. ::she sighs, and lays a hand on his shoulder:: I'm sorry, Val. I wish I could say something that would make it all better. <Tarri> ::she smiles just a little:: If it's any consolation, you can stop feeling guilty about *me*. <Vallel> ::laughs softly:: You always were very practical... <Tarri> ::smiles:: Of course. I had to be, with my father. ::she grins a little:: <Vallel> So... are you in the mood to give me some advice as to what I can do now? <Tarri> Advice? ::she considers:: Without knowing her, really... I'd say to go on as you have been, mostly. She knows you don't love her, and she'll find her own way of dealing with it. Just give her a little time to... to accept it, to get over you and move on. <Tarri> Watch her. She'll let you know whether she wants to pretend everything is normal, or hide for a bit, or... whatever. Everyone deals with things differently. <Tarri> And, Val...? ::she touches his cheek very gently, her eyes sad:: Whatever Charoli did to you... Talk to someone about it. It doesn't have to be me. But even I can see that if you don't let it out... it'll eat you alive. <Vallel> I... ::looks away:: She gave me everything I ever wanted... <Tarri> I... don't understand. <Vallel> All the desperate, secret, hidden things that I thought about... she made me forget all my responsibilities, all my honor, all my concern for other people's feelings. <Vallel> She gave me all those things that I wanted in the dark, silent parts of my mind, the parts we don't talk about... the parts we like to pretend don't exist. * Tarri thinks about this for a long moment before her eyes close, a tear escaping to roll down one cheek. "Oh... Oh, Vallel. That's so... evil." She shudders, then shakes her head. "So you would have to blame yourself for- for thinking them at all, in the first place..." * Vallel nods, looking at the floor. "I drank, I fought, I wenched... I hurt Gloss... I slapped around a girl I barely knew... and I *wanted* to. I wanted it." <Tarri> ::looks up at him, her eyes still full of tears:: And it does no good to say it wasn't really you, because you still want it, just a little. <Vallel> ::nods:: And I can't bear hurting people... I... I need to make up for who I am, inside. <Tarri> Oh, Val... ::she reaches out to touch him, then stops.:: No wonder you're so torn up. You're... You're confusing responsibility with... with penance. * Vallel blinks. "What do you mean?" <Tarri> ::looks a little frustrated with herself:: You just said it, Val: You have to make up for... for those dark things inside you. You have to *atone* for them, to... to be *punished*. * Vallel nods slowly, his eyes almost relieved. <Tarri> ::whispering:: And you think that nothing can ever atone for it. That the evil is so terrible, it can only be balanced by... by giving up everything that makes you happy. <Vallel> It's not enough... it'll never be enough... ::his eyes shimmer:: <Tarri> Because even when you've given it all up, those desires are still *there*. * Vallel nods. * Tarri closes her eyes and puts her hands over her face for a long moment. * Vallel touches Tarri's arm. "Are you all right?" <Tarri> ::She looks up at him, her face streaked with tears. She manages a weak smile.:: I... Not yet. <Tarri> ::she sighs:: But maybe someday... <Vallel> Tarri? I... ::touches her chin:: <Tarri> ::looks at him questioningly:: <Vallel> Why are you crying? I... did I? * Tarri wipes her eyes impatiently. "It's not you. I just... There are things I... have to unlearn, I think." She takes a deep breath. "It's not easy." <Vallel> ::laughs:: No, it's not... things are different here... and home sometimes seems very small... doesn't it? <Tarri> ::nods slowly:: And sometimes... it's so big I can't escape it even here. <Vallel> I know ::points to his head:: I know that what happened wasn't my fault... and I know that I wouldn't do it, when I'm in control. ::touches his chest:: But in my heart, I can't feel that, can't be assured that I'll always have control. <Tarri> ::she nods slowly:: I can't help you with that, Val. I think it's a battle that has to be entirely yours. But you're not alone. I'm... fighting my own battles. ::she smiles tentatively:: It's good to know someone understands. * Vallel nods, taking her hand and bowing his head over it. <Vallel> I'm very glad you're here, my friend. * Tarri touches Vallel's cheek gently. "Me, too. I'll be here whenever you need me." <Vallel> Thanks... ::looks at the time-candles burning softly on the mantlepiece:: I should go. It's late, and you need your rest. <Tarri> ::nods and stands:: You, too. ::she looks at him with concern:: *Do* try to rest, Val. <Vallel> ::nods:: I'll try... * Vallel gets up, offers Tarri his handkerchief with an elaborate, Jaret-like flourish. <Tarri> ::laughs a little, accepting the handkerchief and drying the last of her tears:: <Vallel> I'll see you soon... good night. * Vallel bows again, then leaves the room, talking for a moment with one of the servants, he leaves the house. * Tarri watches from the window as he walks away, then checks on Corri one last time before stepping into her little nook. |
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