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* Vallel sits on a bench out in the garden, a small area, open to the sky, in the middle of the school. He is reading a thick book bound in green leather. He is wearing blue linen breeches and a white cotton shirt, casually opened a few buttons. * Kevil strolls through the school's grounds, looking around interestedly. Eventually, he spots Vallel, and approaches. "Friend Vallel?" <Vallel> ::looks up from a book:: Oh, hullo Kevil. ::he closes the book, sticking a small scrap of parchment inside it to mark his place:: <Kevil> ::smiles:: I am glad to have found you. Have you some few minutes we may speak? * Vallel looks somewhat discouraged. <Vallel> Sure, I don't have anything planned. ::he moves over on the bench:: Have a seat. * Kevil folds himself gracefully onto the bench. "I am sorry if I disturb your studies." <Vallel> It's all right. I have lots of free time. And I'm just reviewing. Mostly because I like the book than I actually need to. <Kevil> ::grins:: It is a wondrous thing, to enjoy one's work. <Vallel> ::nods, then tucks his legs up onto the bench, leaning his arms across his knees:: So, what's on your mind? <Kevil> Ah. ::he looks somewhat pensive:: May I ask without offending the truth of your feelings toward Lady Meghan? <Vallel> ::looks puzzled:: Why? <Kevil> ::half-smiles:: Please: only answer, and I will explain all I may. <Vallel> ::sets his jaw stubbornly:: You know, I'm getting just a little tired of all this. Gloss, my aunt, Michelle, you... should I take out an advertisement? <Kevil> ::looks surprised:: I am sorry. I did not know the question had plagued you overly. I am asking because I wished to confirm my admittedly limited understanding of the situation. <Vallel> ::relaxes his jaw a little:: I'm sorry to bite your head off and all, but... I'm wondering when my business became the general concern of half the universe. She and I are friends... if there was something else, that's mostly gone now. <Kevil> ::smiles a little:: I can understand how you would be concerned. But I believe the Lady is... having trouble coming to grips with the... reality of your relationship. <Vallel> ::raises his eyebrow:: Come again? * Kevil looks at Vallel for a moment, hesitating, then sighs and looks away. "Apparently she approached Lady Glossaria yestereve to... propose a... an alliance of sorts. She called it a circle, though I feel my customs have been rather misrepresented." * Vallel jerks backwards in surprise, nearly knocking himself off the bench. <Vallel> She did *WHAT*? <Kevil> ::looks back at Vallel and shrugs almost helplessly:: That is what she told me. <Vallel> But I thought... ::bites his lip:: What about Mistress Michelle? <Kevil> I don't know. She did not mention Lady Michelle when she came to me last night. We spoke only of her feelings for you. * Vallel groans, wrapping his hands over his head. <Kevil> ::hesitates again at Val's obvious distress:: She... indicated to me that she was not certain of your feelings for her. What she told me you had said seemed clear enough to me, but she may have misunderstood. <Vallel> She's not certain of my feelings? ::he laughs, a bitter and angry sort of sound completely devoid of actual humor:: Well, how peachy keen for her. I wonder why that could be? * Vallel stands up and begins pacing around, gesticulating wildly with his hands. <Vallel> Could it be that perhaps I don't really know how I feel anymore? I don't even know that I know how to feel anymore. I have my own feelings, what Charoli wanted me to feel, Meghan projecting her feelings towards me, me thinking I could, should do more for her, and yet, how can I hurt Gloss? <Kevil> ::watches Vallel rant fairly calmly:: You certainly can feel anger. <Kevil> ::frowns:: When did Meghan project her feelings onto you? <Vallel> ::shrugs:: I don't know... sometimes I have trouble telling what is her and what is me. I think the last time was when she came home... I was a bit upset about some things. <Kevil> ::suddenly angry himself:: She promised - she PROMISED! ::he stops, hands curling and uncurling, clearly too angry to speak:: * Vallel turns away, looking over at the windows that look out onto the courtyard. <Vallel> She was trying to reassure me. I've been... ::blinks a few times:: I've been thinking too much about... how easy it would be just not to be, you know? * Kevil calms down suddenly and eyes Vallel almost suspiciously. "She did it to... help you?" <Vallel> ::nods:: She... doesn't want me to go... and I sometimes have some trouble. ::looks at Kevil, his eyes filled with distress:: <Kevil> ::sighs with something like relief:: She didn't break her promise, then. ::he looks at Val with concern:: Will you tell me this trouble? <Vallel> I... ::he turns away again, not looking at Kevil:: I'm sure you've heard about what happened when Charoli was alive? * Kevil spits. "Yes." His voice is cold. * Vallel flinches from the sound of Kevil's voice. <Vallel> I... can't forget, I can't... get on with my life. Every single minute, all I can do is think and remember... I see, I hear everything. I dream and it's like I'm back there, back then. <Kevil> ::reaches out and lays a hand on Val's shoulder:: What that... ::he spits again:: What she did, it was as evil a thing as I have seen in my life. The damage she caused - the damage she *still* causes... <Vallel> I wake in the night, longing for and missing a woman I hate, a woman who is beyond dead. And I can not... I *hate* who I have become, what she made me into. And still, part of me cries out for her. * Vallel runs both hands through his short hair, his shoulders shaking with repressed emotions. * Kevil is looking at Vallel steadily with compassion. "My friend... I cannot even dream of comprehending the pain. But surely you can not let her *win*, from beyond the grave? <Vallel> Sometimes, I think if it weren't for my Glossaria, for how much she cares, I would be lost already. ::whispers:: <Kevil> ::nods:: She is the firm earth under your feet, even if all else seems vague and illusory. <Vallel> ::coughs:: What did she say - Glossaria? When Meghan asked her... ::his voice seems harsh, cracked:: <Kevil> She said no. ::thinks, remembering:: That before Charoli, it might have been a thing she might have considered, but no longer. <Vallel> ::sighs:: Well, that's something, at least. I... don't love Meghan... not the way she wants, not the way that I can do anything but hurt her. <Kevil> ::nods:: You are certain of this, yes? <Vallel> I don't love *her*. I love what she can do. She is beautiful... and I want her. But I love her because of how she feels about me, and she reflects that to me, so I can feel what she feels. Do you know, can you imagine, what that can be like? <Vallel> She looks at me, holding out her heart to me, her whole self, and I... I like that. I want that. I feel like I might be worth something, because of it. But that's not a good way to love someone. It's selfish. I don't love her for herself, but for what she can do for me. And I would never be able to live with myself, if I took advantage of that. Because she would know, eventually. And the truth... the truth would hurt her more t <Vallel> the truth would hurt her more than I can heal. <Kevil> ::nods slowly:: You are more understanding of your own feelings than you give yourself credit for, my friend. <Vallel> ::looks at Kevil:: I feel like I should, like I should be able to love her, unconditionally. She needs it, she deserves it. And I wish I could give her what she needs. But... I'm not and I can't. <Vallel> ::stares at the ground:: I tried to use it, once - her love for me. When I was... when Charoli... well, you've heard about that. And I'm so sorry... I can't bear to think what she must feel about that. I should be able to make up for it, and I can't. <Kevil> ::smiles slightly:: You are a good man, to care so deeply. I will not attempt to absolve you for your actions. It is not my place. But I *will* tell you that you can not punish yourself for those actions by attempting to force yourself to give her what she wants. It will not work. <Vallel> ::shakes his head:: It is not for myself... I would not do it to her. I can not be what she needs, I... I would not hurt her by lying to her about that. I thought, I had hoped, that she understood. <Kevil> I know. But I think... She is confused, herself. And, to some extent I believe, deliberately blinding herself to your words. She senses your caring, and hopes that it may evolve into more. ::he shakes his head sadly:: I fear you will have to be more blunt, Friend Vallel. <Vallel> I... I don't understand. <Kevil> I mean that you must tell her how you feel, without a couching of friendship to soften the blow, d'va? She is willing to give you all, and so you must not appeal to her by saying your desire is selfish. She is too willing to accept selfishness for you. You must say to her that you do not love her, and that you never can. <Kevil> I know it seems cruel, but I believe it is the only thing that will cut through to her. <Vallel> ::blinks:: I couldn't... she... I... ::trails off:: <Kevil> She told me last night that she knew she must change her love to that of a sister for her brother. Her only hope of that is to know there is no hope for anything else from you but the love of a friend, the love of a brother. ::he puts his hand on Val's shoulder again:: I know it seems cruel, but it will help her in the long run. <Vallel> I can't just walk up to her and say "Meghan, I don't love you." <Kevil> No, and I would not suggest such a thing. But still, it is a thing she must know.... Tell me. If Glossaria had told you of Meghan's request, what would you say to her the next time you saw her? <Vallel> To Meghan? Nothing, unless she asked. She asked Gloss, not me... I would not humiliate her like that. <Kevil> Mm. Perhaps you should bring it up, regardless. Lady Glossaria is to be your wife, after all - surely it is expected that she would tell you of such an important thing, yes? And so Lady Meghan could not expect you not to know. Of course you should not shout it from the rooftops, but I see no humiliation in taking her aside and asking to speak to her of her recent visit to your fiancee. <Vallel> I don't know that I can... I do care about her. I really do. And I don't know that I could stand there and tell her I don't love her... I don't know that I can hurt her, ever again... <Kevil> Then at least tell her that you stand by Glossaria's answer to her - that your love for her is that of a friend only. It will hurt her, yes, but... You spoke of what she deserves, yes? What she deserves from you, Friend Vallel, is nothing less than the truth. And because she has willfully blinded herself, you must make that truth as unvarnished as you can - provide her as little gossamer as possible to pull over her eyes. <Vallel> How do you think this will help her? I mean, I am going to marry Gloss, provided she'll still have me. We still have a few months to go before our probationary year is over. Knowing me, I'm likely to screw it up before then. <Kevil> I cannot speak for your chances of keeping Lady Glossaria, but it seems to me that if you have remained together this long, you have as great a chance as any. But how does your marriage to her affect the truth Lady Meghan must come to realize? <Vallel> I wouldn't marry her if I loved someone else. <Kevil> ::shakes his head:: I do not think she will come to that conclusion on her own. Surely you would not have remained engaged to Lady Glossaria if you loved someone else, either? <Vallel> Do you really think it's necessary? ::looks plaintively at Kevil:: <Kevil> ::sighs:: I can not tell you what you must do. I came only to verify that I understand your feelings, and to offer advice. I do feel that to tell her now would hurt her less than to allow her to continue to believe a lie, even if it is a lie she has told herself rather than one you told her. ::he looks sympathetic:: I could tell her for you, if you wish, but I do not know if she would accept it from me. <Vallel> ::shakes his head:: No, if someone's going to tell her, it'll have to be me. I just... you know that telling her is just as likely to hurt me as her? <Kevil> I know. It hurts you to hurt her. But think of it as... Think of it as the alcohol you pour in a festering wound, to clear it. The pain is terrible, but healing. <Vallel> ::blinks, looking away:: I can't... won't promise anything, but I'll think about it. <Kevil> ::nods:: Do. I know it is hard, and I sympathize. If you ever wish to talk... About this, or anything else... <Vallel> ::nods:: Why did you... why did you come to me about this? <Kevil> I? ::he sighs:: In part, because I wish to help her resolve the conflict within herself. In part, because I know you must still be struggling with the terrible evil done to you, and I would help you if I could. It is... ::he shrugs and half-grins:: It has always been my part, to meddle where I am perhaps not wanted, if I feel I might be *needed*. <Vallel> ::laughs:: <Vallel> Well, thanks, I think... your enjoyable book with such serious talk, but there is never a time when such things are preferred.* Vallel picks up his book, turning over the heavy volume in his hands... <Vallel> I... if you don't mind, I think I'd like to be alone for a little while... * Kevil stands, nodding. "I understand." He bows. "Thank you." * Kevil turns and strolls away. * Vallel sits back down on the bench, opening his book and staring at the pages, but not really reading them. He watches as Kevil leaves, one single tear welling in the corner of his eye. When Kevil disappears from view, Vallel reaches up and wipes his eyes. |
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